so down

Well it's not looking good for NZ, James is now unsure of how far away it is, the lack of support network and being able to get jobs out there, he's convinced if we go we'll never be able to come back and isn't talking about things. I think he is right about all of this, but we could go and make it a working holiday as such, either sell the house to fund it, making sure we buy one out there so we will make a bit of money on that too to help us back, make sure we put enough money into an account that we don't touch so that we have enough money for flights, or we could rent the house out, we have a low mortgage on it so the money we'd get for rent would cover the mortgage and leave us with a bit extra each month, we'd have to make sure that we kept extra money aside that way incase things needed doing on the house and then the money we got from jobs out there would have to be enough to rent/but somewhere out there too, aaaaaaaaaagh it's all too much for me to work out in my head. Another thing we were thinking instead was just making a move in this country, down south somewhere, Devon, Cornwall or Dorset as we love it down there, I think there's more of a holiday atmosphere down there, I'd love to live close to the coast, there's still surfing etc for the kids, but the houses aren't cheap and I'm not sure we can afford the extra on the mortgage, plus I'm pretty sure we'd have to get jobs down there before we could get a mortgage anyway, and with things the way they are now in this recession (I know we're comming out of it slowly but even so!) we'd still have no support network and no-where to put people up if they came to visit as there's no way we could afford a big enough house to have a spare room. Do we stay here and not move at all (or just into a nicer house once I'm working) one of the senior schools here isn't quite as bad as I thought, although still not good, and they wouldn't have to leave friends behind, and make new ones, we could hunt for houses nearer to nicer schools around here, but would have to downsize (don't really want to do that, we have no room for anything here and are all ontop of each other all of the time)

It's really getting to me, I feel like I've fallen into a deep dark whole and the more I try to work things out in my head the deeper and darker it gets, I feel like I'm trudging through sludge and really can't be bothered to do anything or see anyone really, I got really drunk on Sat night as it was all just getting to me and I don't think anyone really knows how I feel, I'm really annoyed that J just doesn't seem to care what we do (as long as it's not NZ well without a trip there first which we just cannot afford ever!!!) he doesn't seem to have an opinion on the schools, as far as I know he's never looked into them, if he has he's certainly never spoken about it or what he feels is best for them, he didn't even have an opinion on whether we should get Reilly immunised against swine flu, as long as he has his airsoft and x-box he is quite happy to bumble along hating his job, but doing nothing about it just moaning aaaaaaaaaaaaagh I've never felt this down before, well not since Reilly was nearly one and had given up breast feeding and I was down as my last baby was growning up, but he'll be 3 in a fortnight and I can't even look forward to that it feels like to much effort, I just wanna run away for a bit and come back when it's all been sorted out :(